Monday, May 12, 2008

Kiera Knightly Did it!

Back in September when I was looking for my (now) house. My realtor and good friend Emma Faris told us her three good luck charms of a house are, A laundry shoot, a built in pencil sharpener and a built in bottle opener. When I first toured my now home, after close inspection we discovered this house had all three. We already knew the laundry chute existed, but we were in the basement when we first discovered the pencil sharpener and joked wouldn't it be fun if there was a bottle opener too??? As we rounded the corner there it was just on the other side of the wall where the pencil sharpener was. And as luck would have it both in the basement right where the laundry chute expels its wares. We couldn't help it we all had to cheer. This was a sign. Kind of like in "Under the Tuscan Sun" when the bird poops on the lady looking at the house. And in Italy if a bird craps on you it's a sign of good luck, she got the house. Kind of like that but much less messier, I decided this was the house.
It took me a while to realize in my perfect little good luck charm of a house that, I was putting things down the chute but they weren't landing in my laundry basket below. In fact I didn't realize until I started really running low on apparel, both for O and myself. So the next time I tossed my towel in I listened for the familiar thud. No thud. I stuck my head in as far as I dared and could not see down to the bottom. In fact I saw my towel. I reached in and grabbed it. And then I grabbed another. Uh oh I'd better go get a tong. So I ran down stairs and grabbed my little tong, reached in pull out a pair of O's jammies and her trendy pair of grey skinny jeans from H&M, but accidentally manage to push the rest of the clothes down just out of my reach. One more loooong stretch oops I dropped my tongs. I could feel it though there was more, I have a longer tong. I'll just go get it. So I run back downstairs to grab my longer set of bbq tongs. It works I get O's sock and some undies but manage to shove the rest in even further, but not before dropping my second tongs. Ok there is pretty much no way I am going to be able to get the rest of these clothes out the top. I'll just shove it down. It just needs a really good shove. The problem is, the chute is narrow with an awkward angle so a good shove is harder to come by than you may think. I tried the long arm of a vacuum cleaner too long and not flexible enough. Oh I know a fire poker perfect! Ok note to self whenever you think it's a good idea to use a fire poker when it's something that doesn't involve fire, don't. Just don't. But I did and yep I lost it down there. How many times does it take me to learn my lesson?? Many. Some lessons may have yet to be learned. Ok the only thing that is going to work is if I throw something really heavy down there like a bowling ball. I don't have a bowling ball. I hate bowling. Or even better my dutch oven. Oh no I cannot risk losing my dutch oven in there. ahhhh weights. My two eight pound weights. That should move that little clog no problem and if not well I guess I wasn't really using them anyway, I'd moved on to the twelve pounders (j/k dude but don't I look ripped?) Down the hatch they go simultaneously. I flinch waiting for the crash. Nada. Not even a thud. Ok this isn't working. Next plan wait for the seasons to change and the metal on the chute might expand letting all of the clothes pass though naturally. Just as in the cycles of nature this too should just take care of it's self. I can pretty much justify anything. This is my way of saying F it. I'm going to Cabo and don't have time for this and don't need any of that winter wear anyway. Nine weeks pass and we return. Spring was supposed to show up about a week ago but apparently over slept. There was still snow on the ground and now I really needed that stopped up clothing. There was only one last solution. Call Michael Rottschaefer. If you know me or anyone in my family you know Mike. My family would not function without him. He's my brothers friend from high school but to us he is so much more. To us he is our household savior. Without him my mother, sister and I at one point may have all been living by candle light as he's in charge of all the high light bulbs and they are almost all high. I once confessed to my sister that the only two drawbacks to being single is that I have to change my own light bulbs and I don't get to have sex. Everything else is pretty much great. Mike takes care of the light bulbs and apparently clogged clothes chutes. So I called him and I gave him fair warning. I thought he might want to bring a helmet, or he could borrow mine, the one I use for cooking (keep up people). I honestly was afraid he might get knocked out by the weights and end up with a fire poker in his head.
I love Mike because when I told him of my dilemma he just says something like "hmmmm interesting, I'm going to think about that and see what I can come up with". Not "Oh hell no lady there is no way I'm going near that thing and neither is anyone else with half a brain, you are SOL in a couple of years your clothing reminants will fossilize and then you might have something worth digging for." Did I mention my daughter LOVES him. She knows. Sometimes when I'm messing with something some what technical and seem to be struggling (which I usually am it's an inherited trait), she say "Stop mom! Have Michael Rotchshay fix it." She's right. This time Mike came over armed with an extenda pole with a hook attached to the end of it. From here I really think the video should speak for itself. Next to Indiana Jones it is the craziest thing you will see this summer. Ok so maybe not but if Indiana Jones is the craziest thing you really do do this summer this probably is a close second. Uh oh guess not. I tried downloading my little film about 6 times but to no avail. So long movie short, about twenty items of clothing came down when hooked by Mikes contraption. Then we heard an odd rustling which he finally got a good grip on and when it dislodged down came crashing the rest of the goods. The culprit? An Elle magazine with Keira Knightly on the cover of it stopped up over two weeks of clothing. Little hussy I never did like her anyway. And look at what she made my precious little daughter do! I'm sure Ophelia didn't mean to throw the magazine down the shoot. It was all the social pressure. It was just Ophelia's way of bucking the system. Down with unrealistic model types, toss em in the chute. I'm so proud she's all ready got a bit of social protest. Good girl baby don't let that creepy Keira get you down before you send her down with our dirty laundry. How poetic. Or maybe she just thought it looked like a fun to throw something down the chute.
Little did I realize that a two year old and the laundry chute may present more challenges than expected. I am now realizing that each household lucky charm may represent a different stage of my child's wonder years. The two year old stuffing up the chute. The eight year old breaking off her pencil in the wall attached sharpener and the fifteen year old cracking a cold one downstairs and didn't think I'd notice. Oh I'm gonna notice. It may have taken me 3 months to blame Keira Knightly for this whole chute incident but believe you me, I got to the bottom of it. That little pirate is going down! And don't even tell me that is your first beer! I Know little Jimmy told you to down it and then play spin the bottle. Oh baby you don't even know what that means let me protect your little mind. JIMMY YOUR TOAST!
Keira's out, Jimmy's toast and I've got my winter clothes back. Three cheers for Michael Rotchay!..fer!


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home